IANMC

Wiggum knows

    (= I ain't no marriage counselor)  Okay, so I've compiled some of my greatest mostly-random tips on relationships -- arranged by age group, from the cradle to the grave (almost).  I'm not a marriage counselor, not a clinical psychologist, or anything useful of that sort -- but I do read a ton of garbage on the inter nets, and sometimes I have relevant personal experiences.  So here goes.  Focus is on guys (me being one), but maybe possibly hopefully sometimes applicable to the opposite gender.

Babies (0-4):
Seriously?  Don't be reading random blogs.  Check out @sesamestreet.

Bigger babies (4-13):
 @DinoMiteBarney 

Teenagers (14-17):
- On why being a teenager sucks: Most teenage (15 or under) girls are socially and emotionally awkward.  So when the object of your attraction don't respond to your advances, just move on (this is assuming you too are of this age group, otherwise that's just creepy and you need to turn yourself in to the Special Victims Unit).  At this age, you all are very young and deeply hormonal, but there's just so much time and absolutely no pressure at this time.  (Source: me)

 
Late high school/college age:
- On the Friend Zone: Most socially awkward guys complain about the dreaded Friend Zone(TM).  Well guys, here's a shocker, the friend zone doesn't exist.  It's an excuse that guys give when: (a) they don't have the guts to make the first move, and/or (b) the girls in question are just not attracted to them.  Nothing wrong with either cases, but blaming it on the girl and her "mind games" doesn't do either of you any good.  Girls tend to avoid unnecessary confrontation, so if you don't put yourself out there and she doesn't tell you straight up that she's not interested (because then you'll just call her a bitch), can you blame her? (Source: Dr Nerdlove, Kotaku)

- But I'm stuck, so how then? If you find yourself already chest-deep in the Friend Zone, what to do?  So (*drumroll) here's the answer to the million dollar question: get drunk with her, then take the shot. It's not like your friendship with this gal has a real future UNLESS you make a move for the intimate zone.  If she rejects you, you can just say sorry and blame the booze. If she hooks up with you but regrets it/doesn’t want to pursue it, you can blame the booze. And if she hooks up with you AND wants to have a relationship, hooray booze!  Who knows, maybe laughter will turn to flirting turn to kissing turn to saying stuff like “Wait, I don’t want to move too fast, because I actually really like you” before you go ahead and have sex anyway.  Double hooray for booze! (Source: Matt Ufford, KSK)


- Am I going to die alone? If you're just not having any sort of luck with the opposite sex, despite your best efforts, we don’t recommend suicide for anyone (unless you’re Jeffrey Dahmer, or Matt Millen).  We suggest you don't work harder to get girls to like you, but to work harder to like yourselves.  Join a gym, or a running club.  Put the PS3 and Madden away.  Hell, join a book club with old ladies (they need love too).  Get out of the house, get out of your ordinary comfort zone, meet new people without the pressure of “this is an environment where I’m trying to pick up girls.”  The more you’re happy with who you are, the more likely it is that other people will find you attractive.  Will it result in the loss of your V-card?  Not necessarily, but you’re going to end up a happier, more fulfilled person.  (Source: Matt Ufford, KSK)

After college, before marriage (~22-40):
- Do opposites attract?  You may hear success stories about couples of different races, religions, income levels, education etc, and conclude that maybe perhaps opposites attract.  In actuality the contrary is true, we are mostly attracted to people that are just like ourselves.  In those rare cases, that just means that these particular differences (despite how significant they seem to be on the surface) are not issue to them, they have other traits and commonalities that paved the way to their success.  (Source: Harrison O'Malley, Dr. Nerdlove)

She's married to some guy named Cash.  

- Avoid complication: If I learn anything from a decade of watching Bollywood flicks, it's that despite what I just said above, complicated situations (a rich guy and a poor girl, a Hindu and a Muslim, traditional and modern, and so on) can find a happy ending  -- as long as they're both better looking that 98.3% of the country's population, but only after 4 hours of sneaking around behind Amitabh Bachchan's back.  But that's the movies.  In real life, a relationship that started with complication from the get-go, is doomed 78.4% of the time.  If you meet an attractive girl that has severe daddy issues, save yourself the pain and walk away, even if she looks like Jessica Alba.  Relationships are hard enough even without all that spice.  Ok I take that back, if she looks like Jessica Alba (or is actually Jessica Alba) then I understand.  (Source: me, even the totally made-up stats).

- Long distance relationships: it is not a real relationship per se, it is more like a "promise" of one.  It's like a relationship that's in hiatus, and in the meantime she's going to be meeting and spending time with other people.  For things to work, an LDR must have an end-date ("we'll get together after I finish my masters'/law/medical degree"), else it would end badly for both sides.  Not saying it can't work, but it needs the right mindset. The last thing you want is to spend 3 years in an LDR, not meeting other people, only to end up breaking up.  As a popular Spanish saying goes: Amor de lejos, es amor de pendejos. (Source: Eric Ravenscraft, Lifehacker)

Love hurts, just ask Ralph

- On breaking up: it is *very* hard to do.  The key to getting over a painful breakup: 1) Break contact completely -- unfriend her on FB, don't text her, none of that; 2) Mourn, wallow, cry your heart out -- you're allowed maximum 1 month, no more, to do this; 3) Rebuild and improve -- start new activities, forget your old routines (that may remind you of your ex), and get it to your head, hell, pretend, that you are over the breakup.  Part 1) and 3) will be a lot easier if you are around friends, family and loved ones.  (Source: Matt Ufford, KSK)

- I just want to be friends: Making friends is a lot harder after college.  Grown-ups have work, relationships, and other activities, and you just can't rely on meeting people in class or study groups like back in college.  Best bet is to join a sport club, a cooking class, or hell just go to church like most normal people in the 1970s.    (Source: Melanie Pinola, Gawker)

Marriage:
- On timing: It's never "the right time" to get married.  Just set your mind straight, make sure your intentions are sincere (e.g. "I just want to please my parents" or "I just want to have sex with her anytime I want", are not it), pray very hard, and get on your damn knees.  There's no "best time".  Wait too long, and somebody may just beat you to it.  But if you yourself don't have your head right in this, she'll read right thru you.  (Source: moi)

- Planning the wedding: Once the two of you decide to tie the knot, the first test is the wedding planning.  This will stress-test your patience and drive you near-crazy.  It is during this process that you'll realize that you're not just marrying her, you're marrying into her (possibly crazy) extended family (to be fair, she probably thinks the same about your family).  One year into your marriage, the both of you'll look back and wonder, "Did we really have that huge fight over what kind of soup to serve?", and maybe hopefully you can tell her, "See, who's the sane one in this relationship?" (Source: moi aussi).

-----BONUS ROUND!!!-
On sex:  "I’ve worn Trojan ENZ and my penis felt like it’s been smothered by a cheap plastic raincoat drenched in enough spermicide to give Travis Henry a sad. Basically, I’ve climaxed as often as Belichick has been successful on fourth down." (KSK)

Hope that helps! Cheers!